Gratitude and Grief: A Paradox Explained

Oct 16

Hand drawn illustration of a jar of wildflowers

Last week, a participant in a program asked a very powerful question,

Can I be grateful while I’m experiencing a lot of grief - like I am right now ?

My response, "First off, I can’t tell you or anyone else that you should be grateful—no matter your circumstances. We each must find gratitude ourselves. But I do know that gratitude can coexist with other emotions like feeling sad or aching in grief."

Then I shared the story of Mom who died in 2013.

She was very sick but as you can imagine, it was still a shock and I felt empty. In the midst of the pain of my grief, I distinctly remember the funeral and the feelings that were bubbling up. We are sitting at the front of a packed church, the same church where Mom and Dad married 51 years earlier, and feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

I'm grateful for my brothers and sister and the support we provided to each other and to Dad. I’m grateful for the love and comfort in having friends and family surround us in our time of tragic loss. I’m grateful Mom died peacefully.

Paradoxically, sitting in this pew—grateful and sad at the same time. Gratitude did not extinguish the grief I was experiencing. Gratitude simply allowed me to see the good amidst the grief.

Quite frankly, there is a time for grief. And there is a time for sorrow, there is a time for anger, there is a time for every emotion. I think there’s also a time for gratitude and it can coexist when we’re having difficult times. The intent in finding gratitude in difficult times is not to ignore the sadness or grief (some people refer to this as toxic positivity) but rather to help us process and move through the sadness or grief.

And if you can’t find gratitude amidst your grief or challenging time, don’t worry about it. There’s nothing wrong with you. It simply may take some additional time.

Thanks for the powerful question.