People will still disappoint
Last week I was on a call with someone who was prospecting me. He asked me what I did for work and I explained how I help companies bring more gratitude to work each day.
Then he asks, “How’s it going ?” I say, “What do you mean ?”
He then shared several stories about people who took advantage of his generosity and his offering of gratitude at work. He spoke non-stop for probably 10 minutes. That’s a long time for one person to be speaking on a phone call and I could feel his energy and enthusiasm evaporate the more he relived his stories.
What I said to him is what I say to you, “People are going to disappoint you. Many people have disappointed me (and I’ve disappointed many people) but that doesn’t mean I’m going to change my values and beliefs about how to treat others because of someone else’s behaviour.”
There’s an important distinction we must understand about gratitude at work—being grateful does not reduce to allowing people to take advantage of you or their situation nor does it abdicate anyone of accountability. On the contrary, I believe gratitude is a leadership skill that inspires greatness and like any skill or tool, we must use it appropriately.
And when people disappoint, and they will, instead of writing them off, we need to have what can be a hard conversation. It’s a hard conversation because it involves delivering a message you know they don’t want to hear in a way that demonstrates you genuinely care for them as a human being.
This reminded me of a critical time in my career almost 20 years ago when someone let me down—big time. I was furious and wrote them off. But in the years that followed, my resentment towards them ate away at me ! Eventually I realized I had to forgive them and let it go. So I did—what a relief. I still find it hard to believe the power of forgiveness because the relationship with that person (who I had written off) is better now than it’s ever been.
Looking back I wish I had a tool learned in a certification I recently completed. It’s called CVA—caring, vulnerable, assertive. It’ll help you share any unwelcome message with love and it’s a great approach when people disappoint.
Here’s a brief version of what I might have said 20 years ago using CVA, “Look I know you are crazy busy and have some very big priorities on your plate and my issue is just one more thing on your to-do list [caring]. And you know what ? I have to own some of this. I should have confirmed a few more issues before I acted [vulnerable]. But here’s the thing. When you tell me you’re going to do something, I need you to follow through on it. Will you commit to that [assertive] ?
Some people will respond positively and unfortunately, some will continue to disappoint. And the thing is, if you truly value the dignity and worth of humanity, it shouldn’t matter how anyone responds. Your job is to continue to influence through gratitude and be the inspiring person you are meant to be.
